It’s a good thing I am not actually homicidal, and also that I don’t own a gun. It’s especially a good thing I don’t have a gun in my car. Because if I were going to be homicidal, it would be while driving.
In an effort to keep drivers safe from my wrath, I offer the following list of offenses that would get you shot were I carrying a gun:
- Driving below the speed limit (exceptions made for inclement weather).
- Driving on my bumper when I’m going below the speed limit in the middle of a blizzard that’s reduced visibility to five feet and obscured the line where the road ends and the ditch begins. I don’t care that you’re driving an SUV with great traction. You can’t see any farther than I can. Just sayin’. (This does not happen in Florida, but happened all the time in Buffalo.)
- Turning from a side road onto a road with two lanes and turning right into the lane in which I’m driving instead of the other lane where there is no traffic, then failing to speed up so I almost run into your bumper because there’s no room for me to get out of your way.
- Not using turn signals.
- Running a red light and almost plowing into me.
- Turning left when a huge tractor trailer is turning right on the opposite side of the road, which will, if it hits you, plow you right into my car, which is stopped at the red light of the cross street. (I wish I could include a picture of this here.)
- Not turning your headlights on when the sun is nowhere to be found because it’s the middle of the night.
- Not turning your headlights on when it’s raining. Especially when it’s raining really, really hard. No one can see you, idiot.
- Refusing to pass a police car that is going way below the speed limit. They won’t pull you over just for passing. I promise. And if you’re still not going to pass, then move over and let the rest of us by.
- Swerving all over the road because you’re eating, talking on the phone, texting, changing your clothes, smoking a cigarette, putting on makeup, reading or any other activity that you should not be doing while driving, especially when it’s incredibly obvious to those around you that you cannot safely do both at the same time.
- Turning in front of me (cutting me off), especially when there isn’t another car coming behind me for miles.
- Ignoring the “no right turn” signs that are there because there’s a service road and if you turn right from the main road, you run a good chance of mowing down the person turning from the service road, who has the right of way.
- Doing any of the above, then giving me the finger for honking my horn at you. You deserved it. You’re lucky I didn’t shoot you.
- Playing your bass so loud my whole car shakes and I end up with a migraine (if I didn’t already have one). No one cares that you have a nice car stereo. It doesn’t make you look cool. It makes you look like a jerk and kind of a loser who needs something more substantial in his or her life.
- Getting angry with me for not making a left turn when there are cars coming in the other direction.
- Driving drunk. There is no excuse for this. Plan ahead, call a cab, just don’t drink. I don’t care what you do to avoid this, but do something. If I had my way, someone who gets caught driving drunk should be charged with no less than attempted murder. You’re lucky I don’t get my way.
That’s all I can think of for now, but I’m sure there are plenty more. I’ll probably think of them on my drive home this afternoon. I do live in Tallahassee, after all. It’s the home of The Worst Drivers in the World. And I’ve driven in Baltimore, Washington, D.C., New York City (Times Square on a Saturday night), New Jersey and Boston, to name a few.
Anyone else want to add to my list?